Exploring Life in Early Stages of Building Myself
Living life or just trying? I hope you have a fantastic time loving yourself and creating the life you want.
The new city is really buzzing with so much life that it just blacks me out at times. Metro travels, dining places, new explorations, office campuses, towering buildings, tired rooms, they are sometimes too tough to handle. Actually, they are not that difficult but there are days when I am too exhausted to even move. And in these silent, desolated zones, I feel like turning off everything and just calm myself down.
But do you think I can do that? I cannot. My phone cannot be silent lest my family should call and get stressed when I am unreachable. I cannot turn on the door lock and sleep like a log because a roommate lives with me. My mails cannot be off the grid because work is important and I cannot afford to miss a single chance of something better.
You may say that I am getting too hyper, too stressed but I guess that is me. I am still figuring out my life and have a lot of things undone at the moment. And the list of my dreams and wishes are only getting longer. I wonder how this disproportionate relation is maintained. I mean it has always been and now that I am starting to become self-reliant, it is sky-rocketing. It is getting torturous for me sometimes now and then. Besides, these overthinking sessions and midnight crying get too overwhelming. I feel clogged and too cluttered. Too messy to be handled. Too entangled to be detangled. And the worst part is when I find someone to share, I don’t know what or how to tell them. I know the reasons deep down, I am aware of things that process in my head but I feel that people will feel weird listening to my theories. First, I cannot really think of sharing. Second, if I want to, I find it hard to find words that would actually make some sense. And third, if it all summarizes to something, I am not sure what I am looking for.
I have a habit of doing things my own way. I have a hard time understanding things. I have learnt to, although, I still have a long way to go. I seek advice, I think. And honestly I love it when someone understands me and gives me a shoulder to rely on and lean on, But it also sometimes bothers me that I have to figure it out and figure this out soon.
God, I am hell confused. And I really don’t know the way right now. Maybe early twenties are for this. I am on this rollercoaster and I am hell scared. Scared of the future because I can’t see the clear picture. I am enjoying it too because I am starting to believe that I can do this, I can create the life I want. I am lonely but I am happy about it too. It is teaching me a lot of things. I am preparing myself for the life ahead. And I will be good, I believe so.
So yes, if you are feeling all these, I think it is absolutely fine to be like this, in a bit messed up state. Because why figure it all out in a day when I can just take it slow, understand the rhythms, learn the patterns, dismantle the wrong concepts, build better ones, and learn to live slowly by slowly, step by step. I feel these are important. And as much as I get stuck in this whirlpool of thoughts and emotions, I like all these self-talk sessions. It really helps you know. Try some day. Because the biggest companion, strongest cheerleader, and the best support we will ever have is our own self. It is the place we belong. It is our home and we have to keep it safe. At all costs.
We can always connect to talk, share things or just rant to each other. I am a good listener. Here are my social handls:
Gmail- soovlogss@gmail.com
Instagram- https://instagram.com/so_recites_
Until next time, Signing off,
So
