Loving myself beyond the insecurity and choosing myself
The insecurity that lurches in me and binds me, cannot stop me. I am choosing myself!
The things that I have hated all my life about myself is a shade of insecurity in me. It raises suspicions on people in my life, gives me unwanted tension, brings a wave of doubt and calls on an undesired hate. That one thread of doubt that breaks my confidence and hangs in there for a long time is a serious concern. I have liked it sometimes too, thinking that it would fuel me up and give me a sure shot push. But I have found myself struggling under it, restless and betrayed.
I have felt insecure of people and have thought the most weird of things. It is not really easy to understand as to how it happens. Because sometimes I am insecure, even of the people who mean a lot to me and who mean no harm to me. In moments of distress when people hold your hand and you know that they are going to stick around, the only feelings that should be registered should be gratitude and compassion. But it is these people who I am scared of sometimes. I don’t know the probable reasons because I have not felt it without guilt. I am always stuck in between the right and wrong of it and I question myself. But life always plays its game, it just likes me to take position at the witness stand, but devoid of answers. I am the victim, I am the defendant, I am the lawyer and I am the judge.
Maybe it’s a fine thing to feel because after all, we are all humans. But I am tired of making peace with it, I am tired of trying to make peace with it. And this feeling sometimes sores higher and buries me within. I am not really worried about the train of thoughts that lead to questioning my bonds with people. Because till the moment I am in my right space of head, I am not doing anything that damages my people. These bonds are what I have built over time and cannot afford to lose. The problem this creates and that I am worried about is the damage it does to me. I am in a constant battle with myself questioning myself again and again. With no valid answers. I crave validation. I want to be strong and not let things bother me. But I get tired. I want to be brave. But the resilience gives way. I want to accept things. But this incompetence does not let me go slow. I want to run away. But I have to smile because I have a family. I want to just abandon it. But there is a dream that burns in me.
Therefore, I make peace with it all. I make a treaty with all of it in me. I love myself and there is nothing I will do to bring it harm. I have all the rights to feel myself. I will acknowledge it. Because what am I without these flaws and scars? They make me and are a sign of me. I choose myself. I pick myself, brush up and get ready for the war ahead. I will make it.
From a believer, this is soovlogss@gmail.com
Until next time!
Signing off
So
